I miss grandpa.. :(

Typed by Amalina Fitri on 8.7.08

Ziqah's great-grandmother just died today.. She sent me a text message at 4 in the morning to tell me that she couldn't come to school because there was an emergency and she had to go to the hospital.. I don't know how but I sorta guessed someone was dying.. I just didn't know who.. And I got kinda worried.. I don't know how Ziqah would handle it.. Turned out she handled it okay..
But it kinda reminded me of when my grandfather died last year.. My driver had told us about it because he had to go there.. Otherwise we probably wouldn't have found out until the next day.. Syakirah and I, I mean.. It didn't really hit me at first. I just got kinda shocked.. And I had to learn it from him instead of from my parents.. But as Syakirah and I got ready to go to my grandparents' house, that's when we started to cry.. But then we stopped and went there.. I didn't cry anymore.. Well, I did in the car.. I remember that.. But at our grandparents' house, I didn't.. Syakirah did.. I had to comfort her because my parents, especially my mum, were busy. With the funeral thing the next day and all.. I think mostly my mum handled things.. Probably since she already experienced it before, losing her dad.. Years ago..
We went home for the night, well my siblings and I did.. My parents just went home to change.. And it was like nothing happened.. Syakirah, my brother and I actually started watching cartoons until my mum reprimanded us.. So we went to sleep...
The next day was the funeral.. I didn't cry at first.. We all had to kiss my grandfather before they buried him. All my cousins were crying. I don't know about my sisters.. They had already covered him from head to toe.. So we only kissed the cloth covering his face.. That was kinda horrible for me.. Because I never got to see him before he died.. At least, not that recently.. I didn't get a chance to see him one last time.. I still didn't cry..
It was when they finally started to carry him out of the house. They were deciding on whether to take him out head first or feet first because in the Muslim tradition, there was a rule about that.. But I forgot which is right.. That's when I started to cry.. I'd stop for a bit but then I'd start crying again.. I couldn't stop.. Not really.. My mum seemed mad to see me not stopping.. But I couldn't help myself.. I don't know why..
I'd never spent too much time with him.. I wasn't really all that close.. But I love my grandfather a lot. Which made me wonder why I didn't cry earlier on.. When everyone else was crying.. Did that mean they loved him more? After all, they spent more time with him than I did.. They saw him more..
We usually visited my grandparents every Sunday afternoon. But sometimes we didn't.. Hani said grandpa would get really disappointed when we didn't come.. And mum said that he really loved having us visit because my siblings and I would kiss his hand and cheeks properly.. She said we were his only grandkids who did that.. God, I miss him.. But I don't even think much about him.. Does that mean that my love for him is diminishing.. I don't feel like it has.. But I can't bring myself to cry for him anymore..Just that one day during his funeral.. And that's it..
I remember once asking grandpa how he and grandma met.. It was actually an arranged marriage but I hadn't known it at the time.. But grandpa just smiled and kinda chuckled a bit and he looked so cute like that.. x) When we had all my cousins at the house, from both my parents' side, grandpa was going into the praying room where all the other grown-ups already were. It was the first time I saw him that night. I usually just hang out with Irah, Nabil & Frah... So I kissed his hand and cheeks and so did they and grandpa went into the praying room. Nabil said grandpa was so adorable.. :) I loved hearing that..
I didn't always get what he said.. Not because he used complicated words or anything.. Just that his voice wasn't really clear to me.. I have hearing problems anyway so sometimes I'd just nod or somethign without knowing what it was he said.. When I was a few years younger, I remember looking at his hands. The skin was umm.. Let's just say his flesh was not smooth.. So I asked why.. And I played with his skin lol... And he let me.. Or was it my grandmother? O_O I don't remember...
I never went to his grave.. Nobody ever took me.. And I'm not really the type of person to take the initiative and suggest we all go.. I don't really like going to the graveyard.. Not because I don't want to.. It's just that there are those big ants, the soldier ants, and I absolutely hate them.. Well, I have no idea what his grave is like.. It's what my mother's father's grave is like.. It's really stressy for me.. Whenever I went, which is seldom, I'd be wearing my baju kurung and my sports shoes.. They're big shoes... So I figured it kinda gave me some protection..
Anyway.. Takziah Ziqah for your great-grandmother's death.. I'm sorry to hear that.. I really am.. But I'm glad you're okay.. Just want you to know that I'm here if you ever need anything.. Today was the first day you've been absent this year and I felt kinda lonely.. It wasn't terrible but it would've been better if you were there.. Yeah.. Well, I guess that's all for tonight..

 

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